Family dynamics can be challenging. Some people are more lucky than others, born into a family with loving mutual bonds and multi-generational family reunions that are drama-free. And for others, even just seeing a phone call from a parent can trigger an anxiety or anger that stems back to childhood. They might leave family gatherings feeling hurt, depressed or angry too.

Toxic family dynamics can have lasting effects on your adult life. But recognizing them and addressing them can be liberating (even if you can’t fix them)! 

Your therapist in Sugar Land defines what creates a toxic environment

Unfortunately, a toxic family member is probably the product of a toxic environment themself, so it’s hard for them to recognize their harmful behaviors. It’s a joke (but sadly true) that usually if there’s one toxic person in a family, then there’s ten more, because that’s what has been modeled. Without intervention, it can be perpetuated by marrying into other dysfunctional families.

Your therapist in Sugar Land gives 5 signs of a toxic family member…

1. They give you the silent treatment. Toxic people enjoy giving the silent treatment as a form of punishment and emotional control. They refuse to speak to you for hours or days following a disagreement and find power in being pursued in a relationship.

2. They lie and deny. When someone lies and covers a lie with another lie, it’s toxic. When denial creeps in as well, it’s unhealthy. Lack of clarity about the truth creates confusion and cutivates distrust.

3. They create drama. A toxic parent might ask you why you can’t be more like your sibling you’ve always felt in competition with. Or maybe they praise your brother or sister’s successes and emphasize where you always fall short. Toxic parents pit their children against each other.

4. They don’t allow you to express negative emotions. A parent who doesn’t nurture their child’s emotional needs or allow them to express negative emotions are setting up a future where that child feels unable to communicate or express what they need. There’s nothing wrong with helping a child see the positive and encourage that always, however dismissing negative feelings and pretending they don’t exist or need to exist can lead to depression and makes it more difficult for them to handle negative experiences as adults.

5. They use guilt and money to control you. Toxic people use guilt on a regular basis. If an adult is controlling you with money or expensive gifts, then they expect something in return. If you don’t do what they want, they try to make you feel guilty because of “everything they’ve done for you.” Healthy parents know that kids don’t owe them anything in response to gifts, especially when they weren’t asked for to begin with.

Your therapist in Sugar Land explains how to heal from a toxic family

If you’re wondering how to heal from being raised by a toxic family member, you’re probably thinking you just need to move on. Forgive them. Be kinder. Distance yourself. Or be more understanding. 

But you don’t have to do any of those things. What you do need to do is to let go. It’s human nature to keep trying, hang in there and persist hoping things will change. It’s easier to stay put than to move on because as humans we are motivated by intermittent reinforcement– having what we desire happen some of the time– than we are by getting what we want all of the time or even never getting it. This is particularly relevant if you grew up feeling starved for approval, love or support. An occasional feeling of those things is better than nothing. 

It’s easy to put on the rose colored glasses and see it as a positive when your mom or dad actually takes an interest in what you’re doing, or a sibling pays you a compliment. You might think victory is close at hand– maybe they’re finally realize they are wrong about you or see you for who you are.

Letting go doesn’t mean pretending the past didn’t happen or that you’re not hurt or affected. It means learning to see the difference between emotions that need to be tossed aside that keep you feeling “stuck,” and the ways of thinking and feeling that help you move forward with your own life.

In other words, goal disengagement. Goal disengagement is a four step process that involves the following:

• Cognitive disengagement: letting go of thinking patterns that have maintained the status quo

• Affective disengagement: managing the emotions that accompany giving up or quitting

• Motivational disengagement: giving up on that earlier goal

• Behavioral disengagement: putting plans into action for a new goal

Each of these require different actions like making yourself stop worrying or thinking about the “what if'' scenarios. They require you to deal with the emotions that come when you fail to achieve what you set out to do, or when you feel guilty or beaten down. They require you to plan and start acting on your future.

In the end, removing toxic family members from your life may be difficult, and may be even impossible. But I can help you manage and set your boundaries, as well as guide you through healing processes like the four steps above.

Unless you learn to take action, correcting emotional and psychological damage that was done to you during your childhood can continue to affect your personal life and relationships.

If you yourself recognize that you may do any of these behaviors as well, just remember that it is possible to break negative behavioral problems! 

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