Your Therapist in Sugar Land explains How To Set Boundaries With Family Members And Why It’s Important

It’s no secret that family relationships can be complicated, stressful, and even overwhelming at times. If this is the case for you right now, it might be a good time to consider setting boundaries to help ease your emotions.

However, doing this is always easier said than done. So, let’s take a look at what healthy boundaries look like, 5 different types of boundaries you should set, and tips on how to easily do this…

Healthy boundaries from your therapist in Sugar Land

In healthy family relationships, each person has their own responsibility to contribute to keeping the family system balanced and safe. For example, parents set boundaries for children such as restricting behaviors like hitting, cursing, or yelling. Or a spouse might ask their partner to do help with certain tasks or behaviors at home.

Healthy boundaries are fluid and can change with time or new circumstances. They’re concise and defined so there isn’t any guessing about what the other person wants or needs. It’s also important to be aware of unhealthy boundaries that can perpetuate dysfunction. This can include things like invading someone’s privacy or gaslighting—manipulating someone to make them second-guess themselves.

5 Essential boundaries to set from your therapist in Sugar Land

It’s important to consider several different boundaries you need to set throughout your life. And while family may be the focal point, it’s important to evaluate all of your boundary needs. Here are 5 types of boundaries to set…

1. Mental. Think about how you want to be treated in healthy relationships. Think about how you want to be treated in relationships with other people as well as how you treat yourself.

2. Emotional. Are you able to separate your feelings from other people’s? Or what boundaries do you have for your thoughts and feelings? Make sure you set and associate mental boundaries with people willing to respect your feelings. But remember, not everyone is willing to do this, so reflect on what it would take for you to protect your emotional wellbeing—what do you need to do in order to protect yourself emotionally?

3. Physical. Think about rules to set up for your physical body and personal space. What does your personal space look like in order for you to be most comfortable around other people?

4. Material. Be clear about how you expect your material things to be treated.

5. Time. Understand what is important to you and set aside ample time for the areas of your life that matter most. Be aware of when you are overcommitting and commit to getting back on track. This means not spending time on things you do not need to do or doing things that only emotionally benefit others (due to guilt) rather than allowing yourself to spend time on things that matter most to you.

Now that you understand what boundaries to set, the next step (and often the hardest part) is doing it.

Here are 7 tips on setting boundaries from your therapist in Sugar Land…

1. Recognize what is making you uncomfortable or upset and why. It helps to break the problem into parts. Reflect on things like…

·   What was my situation/what did I experience?

·   What emotions did I feel when this experience occurred?

·   What thoughts am I having about this experience?

2. Name what you need in regard to the situation. For example, you may need to feel respected, need to be given the opportunity to make your own decisions, or need more time to yourself. You may need to have your voice heard. Or more quality time.

3. Identify what boundaries need to be set. Think about what type of boundary (of the 5 boundaries above) you need to set. Ask yourself, what do I want the result of this boundary to be?

4. Tease out the details. Who is this boundary for (friends, family spouse etc). Is this a spoken or unspoken boundary?

5. Plan for what could happen once the boundary is set. Consider what you are willing to do if the boundary is not honored. Is this something you can compromise on and what would that compromise look like? Would setting a boundary with this person pose a safety issue?

6. Plan what you will say when talking about the boundary. Address the boundary clearly and honestly. Start with stating the facts of the situation, then calmly describe how the situation makes you feel and what you need moving forward. Avoid using the word “you” in these three steps. For example, “when I come home and see dirty dishes in the sink I become overwhelmed and anxious. I know when I am overwhelmed and anxious, we do not have as much fun together. If the dishes were rinsed and placed in the dishwasher, I would be more relaxed and we could have more positive quality time together.” If needed explain consequences that will occur with your boundaries. This could be something like, “if you continue to say negative comments about my body, we will spend less time together.” Or, “if you continue to have me pay for your half of the meal, we will not be able to go out to lunch together.”

7. Be patient. Sometimes boundaries take time for people to get used to. Make sure you reinforce your needs and stand up for yourself when needed.

Remember, boundary setting will be uncomfortable when you first set the boundary because you haven’t done it before. Learn to sit with or tolerate the discomfort.

Think about why you are feeling uncomfortable setting this boundary--do you feel guilty about the other person's emotions? Do you believe you are allowed to set rules for yourself? Should you be protecting others’ emotions at your own expense? Why do you believe the other person cannot manage hurt feelings or disappointment?

It is also common for people to get upset with new boundaries. Most people get comfortable in life and don’t like change so your request may cause someone to lose something they benefitted from getting from you or your relationship.

In the end, just remember boundaries are how we let other people know how we would like to be treated.

Examples of boundary setting phrases include:

·   I appreciate your concern. I will think about __ when I am ready.

·   I do not want to talk about this anymore. Let's talk about_.

·   I would love to talk, but I need to __. I will call you tonight.

·   I appreciate your feedback but this is my choice.

·   I know you care about me. I'd appreciate it if you would wait to give me your opinion until I ask for your input.

·   I know I said yes to this originally, but things have changed and I am no longer available for this. What can I do to support you during this change?

·   I am not looking for advice, I just need you to listen.

·   I cannot be your main support person right now because I am struggling.

·   If you swear at me this conversation will end.

·   I need you to respect my privacy.

·   I am not ready to discuss this topic, it is personal.

·   When I am angry I need to spend time alone.

·   I understand you want me to ___. I will not do that for you.

·   I am an adult. I have the right to make my own decisions, and just because we are family does not give you the right to tell me what to do. If you continue to overstep this boundary I will choose not to be around you as often.

·   I know this boundary is really hard for you to understand, I appreciate you listening and processing this with me.

·   If a relationship fails because of a boundary you set--it likely had other issues if your boundary caused it to end.

·   I feel hurt when you___. When you ______ it makes me think you do not understand why I have set this boundary. It would mean a lot to me if you stopped commenting on it.

Identifying boundaries and creating honest boundaries with those around you can help you feel more emotionally and physically confident and stable.

If you are looking for help identifying, creating, setting, and following through with boundaries, give me a call today. I help people in all life circumstances and family situations navigate the often uncharted waters of boundary setting.